The following would be letters. Letters that has been lying in my drafts folder for the longest time now, letters to specific people that I would rather leave unnamed. If you’re reading this, don’t bother asking why this is for all eyes to see. Unlike all my other posts that are meant to be written and not necessarily read, these letters are meant to be read.

Letter to a Lover

You are the embodiment of long suffering. The Lord preserve me when I say that your presence, or rather the lack of it, brings me ever so closer to the line of insanity; insanity and everything else that's wrong with this world. Your decision to hold your ground when I can almost hear my soul screaming for you keeps me in this world of solitude, hearing whispers, telling me to doubt and forget everything that I ever stood for.

While the Lord alone would suffice to keep me from straying, going over the line, going for those many chances any person of my calibre should be doing, I would most certainly welcome any help I would get from others. Left and right I see people crossing over that line almost without second thought, wondering what could’ve become of me should I follow suit. It always has been like this ever since my mistake of asking God to give me something I never really understood. A person can never miss something he never had. I can never miss the life of a party boy, bar hopping and sleeping with countless women since I never was a party boy. I can never miss smoking tobacco or the occasional pot because not once have I deliberately taken in smoke inside my temple. I can for sure envy those who do, or perhaps pity them for all their worth, but never will I long for these momentary releases the way I long for the joy of sharing my happiness, pain, sorrow, and emotions with another.

Time and time again, my Maker has proven to me that He alone will keep me from fumbling on the wrong places. Never was he early and never was he late. It only makes sense that now is not the right time given the circumstance that here I am, waiting ever so patiently for that coming day when I can finally see myself in your eyes. I know I can only do so much, I can only stand still for so long and everyday that I survive is another day that I can only attribute to my Master who has sustained me. I am but an ordinary man, loved by the great I AM. The fact that I know your reasons behind your actions only makes things much more difficult to bear, to know that I am powerless; that I can only resign myself to these forces doesn’t help. But to know that you had to go through the same experience is a hope I can only ask for.

I present my cries unto you for the purpose of granting your wish of knowing me. This letter may find itself wanting for a request such as yours; nonetheless this is a part of me that I present to you. I won’t take it against you if disappointment suddenly strikes your senses hard for the reality of who you’re looking at. I won’t take it against you should you turn your back on me for making you wait for what turns out to be nothing. I would gladly concede to the comfort that I was given a chance. As I end this short outburst of what I feel, know that I’m not expecting anything in return when I say that I love you, and I always will. You’re a very smart woman and I don’t feel the least obligated to tell you what to do. Just this: May you take care of yourself always…

Letter to a Chum

You have bent my plans and expectations of you. As a matter of fact, what was once a straight line is now a spiral, nay, a jumble of lines and curves twisted, almost breaking, into something far from how it should be. You were a friend I never asked for and yet appreciated far beyond my wildest dreams... Well not exactly my wildest dreams, but for the record, it sure is anything but normal. You surprised me of how relentless you once were. What was supposed to be a short term summer friendship as I may call it turned out to be something lingering.

The Lord placing you in my life was once something that I actually wanted, knowing your background and perhaps a hint of your personality made me wish for that little connection with you, I just never thought of it when I finally had it. Your transparency and utter disregard for what others might think of you sparked something in me that I still can’t put into words, what spoke to me as intelligence only made things much more profound. You turned out to be one of a kind. Yet I still stubbornly thought that you were one of them – friends now, strangers later. You have proven me wrong yet again when you remained long after I thought you were gone, granting that I was already acting rather detached. Then suddenly things changed. Like an infant suddenly losing his pacifier, like a child suddenly without his teddy bear, all so suddenly I no longer had you. The discomfort and shock left me utterly speechless and as I have experienced a death within the clan, it somehow felt that way. I’m not one to speak but that’s just cruel.

I couldn’t blame you for what you have done; the pain you wrought was but the by product of what I have done. All the same against all reason I would say this – you hurt me. I took you for granted, that I did, I guess that much would drive out any a friend, even one such as you. I just didn’t see it coming.

There’s still a rather long journey ahead for the both of us. Like we both always say, “matagal mamatay ang masasamang damo.” No I’m no beyonce and I can’t have another you in a minute, but yes, you’re Irreplaceable (Naks!). Maybe we’ll meet again in the near future, then again maybe not. Aside from the fact that it’s only our God’s place to know that, my pursuit for the same profession as yours has faded. Your infallible ways of making me rise to the challenges will be missed and the same will be with your touchy nature. I don’t doubt for a second that you will eventually succeed in your field, nevertheless know that I will be praying for you. Fare you well.

Letter to a Friend

It's a wonder how time flies. How your friendster account flourishes with all those testimonials from friends and strangers. How your friends list turn from 50 to 500, or how you suddenly get to change your page layout, check your number of page visits, and then try out those weird applications. How suddenly you also have a multiply account and forgot about friendster because you now have facebook. It's a wonder how in that seemingly short span of time, seven years have elapsed.

A year, maybe even less than that, a year spent on sitting around, giving and receiving hugs, a text, a greeting and already I feel like I have known you my entire college life. You have been one of those few friends who I find comfort in being with and I believe you always will be. Those times I got to spend with you will always be one of those things that I will want to remember should I get a trip to the memory lane. I appreciate you if it’s somehow unnoticed. I appreciate you and your rather hairy asset, abnormally tender skin, jovial personality and also just because you know what I'm talking about.

I imagine the day you would return after six, seven years, not because you missed us, but out of a whim, you return with a fake English accent, suddenly all pompous and holier than thou, fat as a cow has purple hair and imported haircut. You would still have your camera around, if only for people to recognize who you are... But that won't happen to the you that I know won't it? The you that I know would visit, or even return the moment she can, call up, then hang out for old time's sake. At the very least that's the you that I know.

Come to think of it, we never really knew each other that much. I only knew you as this friendly senior with a fascinating hair. Friendly... I guess that's all it takes for two individuals to have a connection yes? I've said it then, and I'll say it again, if only you weren't flashing your claws then, then maybe, just maybe, we would've known each other better. I would've had more time to give your hair a yank just to make sure it's real. More time to witness your unusual perks, and more time hearing ear-bleeding phrases from your friends. I admit I'm still pretty intrigued sa lalake mo. The secrecy is rather interesting in itself. But hey, you're entitled to your own secrets as I am to mine. I also find it rather fun to name each other's significant other as such and yet still feel rather passively offended by it.

It sucks a lot that you have to leave, it sucks a lot because friends like you are always those who leave after a time, just when I thought you would linger. One had to take a different path, one lives on neverland, one just vanished into oblivion in one night, another just turned out to be different, and another was playing on the safe side. As for you... I guess you just don't have a choice at this time. My only comfort would be that one day I would have a friend like no other, a friend and more who would be my best friend for life.

Even so I pray you safe winds, sunny weather and God speed. I wish you well sa lalake mo. I ought to say more but you're rather secretive about sa lalake mo. God bless and take care!

I always knew what those words meant. Often illustrated as a team in a basketball game. For the first three quarters of the game the team would fall behind by 10 to 20 points, then at the final quarter they'd catch up and eventually win the game. Finishing well matters specially for those who follow certain principles and/or beliefs like for example, yours truly. I really don't know about you but finishing well would be something I want in my life. I want to be able to say to my friends and loved ones the words "Mauna na 'ko", then die peacefully.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Sabi nga nila, "Matagal mamatay ang masamang damo". So finishing well, it doesn't really matter if you started the race last if you finish first. A rather easy principle to understand. To the victor goes the spoils, to the winner goes the award. Let's try to look at it in a different angle... It really doesn't matter if you started the race first if you finish last. What greatness you achieved in the beginning will not matter if you die leaving a lot of frustrations. 'Cept maybe if you were a famous artist with a lot of famous friends. Ningas Cogon, literally 'grass flash-fire'. I'm neither talking about the die-hard grass nor the one that you smoke. This grass burns big, warm and bright the moments it comes in contact with fire, but just as fast it started, it also dies as fast. It's like watching the concert of the coolest band in the world play the awesomest song in the world only to stop in the middle, and exit the stage. Nauudlot kung baga.

This strange phenomena sucks a lot to any average Juan dela Cruz out there, but it sucks more so when it happens to wannabe artists. Wannabe musicians, wannabe poets, wannabe painters, and in my case, wannabe writers. When at one point you start whacking away with the keyboard wishing you knew touch-typing, or perhaps wishing that the people in Japan creates this thing that writes everything that you ever think of. For some reason you knew it would be a great article worthy of a noble prize if not for those miserable typos, wrong grammar and subject-verb disagreement. You just knew it would be great once it's done. Then o so suddenly you're out of bullets. Your ideas suddenly found itself (or themselves?) wanting. You don't know how to end your sorry ass writeup just like this one.

Di bale nang magaling kang magsulat kung iilan rin lamang ang mga kayang umintindi sa 'yo... Ang kaalaman, samantalang mahirap, ay dapat na kinakalat sa madla kung gugustuhin natin ang masistemang pagunlad ng lahat. Ngunit kung ang paraan mo rin lang din ng pagkakalat nito ay nagpapadugo ng utak ng mga inosenteng mag-aaral na gusto sanang maging tulad mo, ay sana gumamit ka nalang ng wikang hindi namin kilala nang hindi kami nagkakandarapang magbukas ng apat o limang araling konektado sa iyong likha... Pinahirap mo ang buhay namin...

Sa isang masusing panunuri, mapapansin na nagbibigay ang manwal na ito ng isang mababaw na pangkalahatang katangian at tila nagbibigay pa nga ng isang tawag upang makibagay sa 1cPambansang Imahe 1d na ito. Kaya ba talagang palitan ng isang binigay na pagkatao ang kabuuan ng lipunan para sa isang 1cnabubuhay na  nilalang 1d? Ano ang ginagamit na basehan upang malaman kung anong mga katangian ang pangkalahatan at ano mga hindi sa pagbibigay ng isang pambansang pangangatawan?

Sanay ang ang mga mananaliksik ng lipunan sa pagtutok sa mas nakararami sa pagbibigay ng isang pangkalahatang katangian ng isang lipunan. Sa panahon ng ikalawang pandaigdigang digmaan, ang mga hapon ay binansagang 1cmasunurin hanggang kamatayan 1d, ang mga Aliman na 1csugapa sa kapangyarihan 1d at iba pa. Tinuligsa ni Marvin Harris is Ruth Benedict sa kanyang pananaliksik na nagsasabing ang mga Pueblo Indyan raw ay mapayapa at hindi pala-away sa pagbibigay linaw sa kanilang madugong nakaraan laban sa mga Kastilang mananakop. Sa pamamagitan ng pagbibigay ng isang 1cpambansang damdam, 1d ang mga may kapangyarihan ay maaaring magimbento ng mga patakaran upang mapanghawakan ang buhay ng mga taong napapailalim sa kanila. Sa gayong paraan ay nagiging katanggap-tanggap pagbababa ng kalooban sa anyo ng pagbibigay ng magagandang salitang nagpapahayag ng disiplina.

Ang pagsasa-tanga ng mga hindi kabilang sa grupo

Naging isang laboratoryo para sa pagsasagawa ng iisang paningin ng isang nasakop na parte sa Pilipinas. Noong 1950 19s at 60 19s sa panahon ng mga kilos prostesta laban sa pamamahala ng mga Amerikano, may isang grupo ng mga iskolar sa ilalim ni Frank Lynch na naka base sa Ateneo na nagbigay buhay sa pananatili ng isang matatag na lipunan. Sinundan ito ng isang kilalang mananaliksik na si David J. Steinberg at iba pang mga eksperto na ang naidulot ay makikita sa naging pagtaas ng interes ng madla sa sulatin ni Stanley Karnow na In Our Image. Binubuklod ng sulating ito ang tinatawag na 1cvalue system 1d na umiikot sa pamilya at sa tinatawag na 1cmaayos na daloy ng relasyon 1d. Halimbawa nito ay ang mga konsepto tulad ng hiya, utang na loob, ang lukso ng dugo, at pakikisama. Sa aking sinulat na librong After Postcolonialism, nagkaron ako ng pagkakataong pintasan ang pagpapahiwatig ni Benedict Anderson sa 1cdemokrasyang hawak ng makapangyarihan 1d sa Pilipinas bilang tagilid dahil sa matinding kapit nating mga Pilipino sa pagpapalaki ng kabataan sa isang paraan na sila ay maninilbihan sa lipunan, pati narin sa kapit ng pamilya. Aking pinuna na 1cang ganitong uri ng pamamalakad ay nagsasawalang bahala ng madla sa may hawak ng kapangyarihan. Pinapalabo nito kung hindi pa nga tuluyang tinatago ang kapit ni Uncle Sam sa ating mga institusyon ng ekonomiya, pulitika at militar, na siyang ring nagpapatakbo ng eleksyon at paraan ng pagpapatakbo ng bansa. 1d

Noon pa mang dekada 60, naging isyu na nag pagkakaintindi sa mga simpleng salita na siyang naging dahilan pa ng malakihang pagtatalo. Maaari nating tanggapin ang puntong ito bilang sanhi ng

            Being the tall guy that I 19m supposed to be, my pacing is quite fast so it 19s understood that somebody overtaking me is not an everyday event. So there I was, walking towards the jeepney stop in Buendia after taking the MRT, when suddenly this woman, a voluptuous woman, wearing tight shirt and jeans passed by me. Her perfume was rather to my liking so her walking in front of me was a treat as I daydream (at night) my way towards the jeepney.

            Of course I took the same jeepney that she did, for no reason other than I was just behind her and we civilized people actually wait in line to ride a jeep. I didn 19t bother looking at her face at the jeepney ride because I was rather busy finding a way to look at this other girl who sat beside me as well as looking for my kerchief while trying to pay for my fare.

            As I went down at my stop along Makati Ave., I went on with my usual day dreaming when suddenly I noticed the same voluptuous woman going down as well. It was a jeepney ride so you can just imagine that as I got out of my seat and started trying to walk out of the ride, this woman also got out of her seat. She was going the same way as I was, crossing to the other side of the intersection, so I got to have a good look at her face, which I wouldn 19t bother to describe, and I was supposed to be walking ahead of her. Like I said, I walk at a quick pace especially when alone, and what was really weird was again, this woman passed by me. Now if you even have a slight bit of sense in your brain, if she was able to walk past me, aside from the probability that she was in a hurry, she would be walking further and further away at her pace but that didn 19t happen.

She was always in front of me, so needless to say I had the opportunity to appreciate her nice curves and sweet perfume. The fun part was observing the men who were walking in the opposite direction, observing where their eyes went as this sultry woman with her ample bosom and swaying hips passed by them. It was rather dark and the street lights were yellow so I wasn 19t entirely sure if the men were looking at her face or the ones below it. I would rather guess it 19s the latter. If I was a thief holding a knife right then and there, they wouldn 19t have noticed me until the moment that they 19re already handing their money to me, that was how stupefied they looked. The other fun part was when this person who went red at my 18Gaydar 19 didn 19t even bat an eyelash at the woman! He, biologically speaking, couldn 19t care less if this woman had the 18body of a goddess 19 in the words of T-Pain, if that didn 19t amuse you 26 Well who gives a damn? As it turned out in the end, her destination was the same as mine and her looking back a few times was rather weird.

            The interesting observation is that the men, (not excluding me) actually think that our looks are covert, hidden, unnoticed by the observed, but coming from an observer 19s point of view, in filipino, kulang nalang eh maglagay ka ng karatula na nakalagay 1cnakatingin ako sayo 1d. The looks that the men (again, not excluding me) give are so obvious and yet the women would rather pretend that they don 19t sense anything. So what gives?

            I can only assume that probably catching every stranger looking at them would be tiring at the very least and senseless and a waste of time to say the most. After all, if they do catch someone looking at them, the question that comes next would be 1cthen what? 1d The last time I checked, there 19s nothing wrong with appreciating beauty.

            So that leaves me with nothing but pure amusement. I don 19t know about you but looking at dumbfounded faces whenever I 19m with attractive friends is a pleasure I actually get to abuse. That is of course with the exemption of this particular friend of mine that I 19m pretty fond of. I can 19t get to observe other people because half the time I 19m the grinning moron who 19s staring, or at least trying to steal looks at her beautiful face.

Tulog

Sa isang gabing tunay na limot

Pagod mo'y tuluyang maglalaho,

Mahagkan lang ang sariling unan,

Isang mahimbing na tulog ika'y tumungo.

Halika 19t tayo 19y maglakbay,

Sa isang mundong tila paraiso,

Mga problema 19y ipagpalit

Sa isang saglit na puno ng kababalaghan.

Patungo sa kawalan tayo 19y maglakad,

Dito sa kadiliman tayo 19y manirahan,

Kalimutan natin ang lahat

Huwag lang abutan ng isang matinding bangungot.

Ngayon ang kwento 19y paparating na sa dulo,

Tayo 19y magpaalam na sa mga nakasama.

Mga taong walang mukha ngunit may katauhan,

Ating kalimutan sa pagmulat ng mga mata.

Sa pagdating ng bagong umaga

Panibagong pagsubok ay haharapin,

Mga suliranin na iniwan kahapon,

Ngayo'y itutuloy na may pagasa ng kahapon.

 Si San Miguel, ang kaisa-isang sumbungan ng bayan na marunong makinig.

 Hindi ka niya babarahin, hindi ka niya huhusgahan, at lalong hindi ka niya kokontrahin sa mga sinasabi.

 Andyan lagi siya kapag kailangan mo siya, andiyan siya sa panahon ng kasiyahan, at andiyan din siya sa panahon ng kalungkutan.

 Kahit mangamoy chico ka na sa kaiinom buong gabi, nariyan lang siya sa iyong tabi, karamay mo sa bawat lagok ng ginintuang inumin.

 Nariyan lang siya sa iyong tabi sa pagtulog mo, siya ang nagbabantay sayo, nariyan siya't naghihintay hanggang ika'y magising.

 Abo’t kamay siya tuwing ika’y magigipit, maging buo o basag man, ipagtatanggol ka niya sa mga gagong lasing.

 Sa kahit anong kondisyon niya, nalalapitan siya, maputla, magaan, tuyong-tuyo o matindi ang lamig.

 O San Miguel, wag kang mawawala...

She gave me Eros and Phileos, He gave me Agape.

She gave me answers for my feelings; He gave me answers for my existence.

She takes care of my heart; He takes care of my soul.

She fills that void in my heart; He fills that void in my being.

She chose me from my younger days, He chose me from my mother’s womb.

She knows me more than my family knows me; He knows my very soul more than I know myself.

She loved me for who I am, He loved me despite of who I am.

She gave me happiness, He gave me joy.

She made me feel important, He made me righteous.

She gave me memories to cherish; He gave me promises to look forward to.

She is the apple of my eye; He is the lamp to my feet and light for my path.

She gave me her time, He gave me His son.

She saved me from depressing nights; He saved me from death itself.

She gave colour to my world, He gave me life everlasting.

Her I will come to love ‘til death do us part, Him I will love ‘til eternity’s end.

She is the created; He is the creator, provider, father, friend, my Lord, and my Saviour.

Yet we still chose to go our separate ways, we chose to ignore what’s in front of us, we chose to be a generation of Nike’s and Adidas, Just do it and Impossible is nothing. Faith has died; our ability to believe in an unseen God is lost. We have limited the unlimited, we have words for nothing and we have words for infinity. We have become the god’s of our own worlds. We have become the standard for all.

Then we find ourselves asking, “Who am I?”

Isang gabi sa isa subject naming Organizational Development kung saan may handang seminar ang mga kaklase ko at isa ako sa mga manonood, may natuklasan akong katakot-takot na katotohanan. Nangyari lang na ako ang napiling tawagin ng isa sa mga tagapagsalita na itatago natin sa pangalan na Lare. Ang tanong nya ay ganere, “What is Character?” ingles at pormal dapat ang setting kaya’t sumagot din naman ako ng ingles sa abot ng aking makakaya. Gumamit lang ako ng isang kotabol  kowt (quotable quote) na nagsasabi na “Character is what  you are in the dark.” Akalain ko ba naman eh nabibilang sa isang kamay lang ata  ang nakaintindi dahil ang sagot ng madla ay “Ano raw?”

Makapal lang talaga ang mukha ko kaya kaya kong isulat ang mga sunod na mababasa mo. Madalas na tatlong beses kong iniisip ang mga salitang ginagamit ko bago ito lumabas sa aking mga bibig. Dapat angkop ang mga salita sa lugar ng usapan, sa talino ng kausap, at sa pagkatotoo ng aking sasabihin. Nagkataon lang na hindi pala angkop sa talino ng madla yung aking sinabi. Ingles daw kasi. Naging masyadong mataas parin pala ang pagtansya ko ng kakayanan ng imahinasyon ng madla.

Kaya minsan ako na ang naiinis sa sarili ko pag nagpapaliwanag ako sa ibang tao sa lebel na naiintindihan ko ng sakasakan ng linaw, na kulang nalang eh gawan ko ng libro kung bakit gusto ko ng kesong sorbets at hindi ube, at hindi maintindihan ng nagtatanong. At kung hindi mo naintindihan ang mga naunang nakasulat, napatanuyan ko na ang punto ko. Wala nang ililinaw yan Dong! Kung nagpapaliwanag ako ay binababa ko ang antas, tono, grado, at lebel  ng mga salita ko dahil hindi mo sila maiintidihan maliban nalang kung pareho tayong magisip, at sa tanan ng buhay ko, iilan palang ang mga nakikilala kong ganun.

Hindi naman sa matalino ako, tanga ka lang talaga...

Hehe... Biro lang yun, ang sarap lang kasing isulat... Angkop sa lugar dahil pahina ko to, angkop sa talino mo dahil kahit mga bata sa kalsada ginagamit ang mga salitang nariyan, katotohanan yan dahil kung matalino ako, sa telebisyon mo na dapat binabasa to...

At dito nagtatapos ang halimbawa ko ng “Reason without Morality” psychologists daw kami kaya dapat matindi rin kaming umintindi, makikita mo raw dapat ang pagiging logical at rational sa likod ng kayabangan ng kahayupan na kasulatan na ito. Hindi dapat ito makikita bilang kakaiba dahil lang iba ang pagtingin mo sa mga bagay bagay sa buhay at mas nakikiramay ang mga pananaw mo sa nakararami. Tapos magtataka tayo kung bakit napakarami ng kahayupan na nangyayari sa mundong ibabaw...